Making Friends from Scratch
When I tell people that I recently moved to Chicago, one of the first things they ask is whether or not I knew anyone in the city before moving. My answer is twofold: yes, my whole extended family is from the area, but to answer the root of the question, no I did not have friends here. I think that’s what people really want to know - did I really willingly move to a new city knowing that I’d be socially alone?
Making new friends in your 20s is scary, especially if you’re starting from scratch! If you’re beginning at ground zero, how do you proceed?
You dive in headfirst.
What I realized quickly is that a lot of people I encountered were in the same boat. Your 20s are a weird time when you’re expected to have a ton of friends and do crazy things and make lots of lasting memories, but that all has to start somewhere. Friends aren’t going to magically appear out of nowhere - you have to put in some effort. Actually, kind of a lot of effort.
I always joke that it’s like kindergarten, when you would meet someone and just ask unabashedly if they wanted to be your friend. That’s exactly the energy you need when you’re making friends in your 20s. You have to be okay with putting yourself in social situations where you might know one or two people, tops. You’ll be really uncomfortable at first, but then you’ll start talking to people and you’ll realize that they’re really uncomfortable too. And, like you, they want more than anything to find their people. So then you pop the question: “Want to be my friend?”
Well, okay, maybe not as blatantly as that, but you throw them some compliments, make plans to hang out, and then you hang out again, and again, and suddenly you have a new friend. Rinse and repeat and boom: friends, plural! Then, you start introducing your new friends to your other new friends, and they introduce you to their new friends, and next thing you know your social cal is booked & busy.
Social media has also been a blessing at this stage in life. Negative aspects aside, it’s a really great place to find people you think you’d mesh with. Get comfy sliding into a DM or two - you’d be surprised how many people will welcome an unsolicited offer of friendship from a complete stranger with open arms.
I guess at the end of the day, my overarching advice is to step completely out of your comfort zone. Figure out how to be friends with yourself first. If you don’t want to be friends with you, why would anyone else want to? Say yes to things - as many things as you can. Go out for drinks with your brand new roommate and her coworkers you’ve never met! Host your other roomie’s boyfriend’s friends for a holiday! Get brunch with the girl you’ve been internet friends with for years and become pals IRL! Go to a grad party on a boat for a bunch of strangers and chat their ears off! Become instant bffs with anyone you meet in the bar bathrooms! I have done all of these things, and I can attest: they work.
Right now, I am taking any opportunity I can get to put myself out there and meet new people. Yes, sometimes I feel weird and out of place, but in the end it is so worth it! I’ve met so many cool people in such a short amount of time here. And just like kindergarten, I am very excited about it. :)
xo, Ellie